Things I Love About You

“Why do you love me?” Michelle asked.

The question felt loaded. I know she didn't intend for it to come across that way, but it did. I thought for a moment.

“Because.. you're... you.” I said, complete with dramatic pauses between each word.

“But, why do you love me?” She repeated. As if her new found emphasis would change my answer.

I slipped back into thought for a moment. How could I explain this one?

I don't want to tell someone that I'm planning on spending the rest of my adult life with that I love them because they're sweet and funny. I think that's just cheap. A paper-thin explanation for an idea far more elaborate and far more beautiful that I know how to put into words. 

This conversation I had with my girlfriend got me thinking. I found that there was a vast difference between love for someone, and things I love about that someone. This is a brief foray into that idea.

Why I love you, and the things I love about you are entirely separate.

My whole life, I've been told to think about love as unconditional. It's such an oft repeated phrase that I don't think many people give it much thought. “I love you, unconditionally” we say. But just what does it mean?

Unconditionally means without condition, or without stipulation, or perhaps the easiest way to say it is for no single reason and with no strings attached. I love you, just for being you. I love my girlfriend simply because she is herself. I love my mother just because she is herself.

This concept is so foreign to us because we have grown to accustomed to the concepts of exchange – supply and demand. I have this, and I am seeking that in return. I will pay $14,000 for this car because it is only slightly used, and because the stereo has Bluetooth built in. This concept imposed over relationships becomes ugly. I am willing to love her because she has blonde hair, and she does the dishes. Something about that just didn't sound right. It sounds like our love has become conditional.

So maybe that's a bit of an extreme example. Lets get into a few more every day examples of conditional love. How many of you have been talking to your friends just to have them ask “What does he/she do for you?” or “What do you really get out of that relationship?” And you know that they're not asking about something abstract. These friends don't want to hear that “She makes me feel happy when I wake up in the morning.” or, “When I look into her eyes, suddenly everything becomes okay.” These friends legitimately want to hear “Well.. he cooks dinner on Tuesdays, and he pays all the rent for me.” or “She folds all my laundry and cleans the house every Saturday morning.” Is that really love?

If we are to believe that we were created in the divine image, and our ultimate goal as part of creation is to walk with God and use the divine as our model. To be religious and to strive to be godly are really the same conceptually. Luckily for those of us confused about love, we have repeated examples of what God's love looks like in multiple religions across multiple cultures throughout the world and ages. Today I want to use one of the most recognizable:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 KJV.

Wow! How beautiful is that? I know many of us have heard it so many times that it's almost meaningless. To simply sum up my feelings and belief as to its meaning: This passage describes real love as being incorruptible, immutable, and insoluble. 

The part that stands out to me today is that love, is not self-seeking. True love seeks no gain on its behalf. True love is a selfless form of expression. In contrast, when we love someone conditionally, is this love not really just about ourselves? I know it is so, for me. When I start telling myself “I love her because she _________,” I know that my love starts to become less about her, and more about what she does for me. My love becomes selfish – of the flesh.

In the NOOMA series episode two, titled “Flame,” Rob Bell beautifully articulates the idea of love set in the Tanakh, specifically in the portion referred to as the Kethuvim, in the Book, Song of Songs. The Hebrew writer of the Song of Songs would have used several words for different aspects of love that we translate all interchangeably to “love.”

Raya describes partnership or beloved companionship. Akin to what we would describe in modern western colloquialism as a “soulmate.” It literally translates as a noun to beautiful woman or wife. Your raya is the object of your affection, the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.

Then there is dodh. The origins of this word are hotly contested but some possible roots from which it evolved include words for to boil, to rock, to caress, or even possibly an evolution from an old Hebrew word for breasts. It goes without saying that this dodh often contains an erotic element, but it is not always used in this fashion. In Arabic (a Semitic language) this same monosyllabic word would be used to refer to your paternal uncle. Dodh is also used to describe the caring nature with which a mother would rock her baby. Dodh always describes a physical, or nurturing expression of love.

The final word is ahava. This is a more profound expression of love. It is the kind of love that makes your heart ache or makes you act irrationally around someone. The key to understanding ahava is that the root words that make it up mean “I give.” It is selfless. Nothing is expected in return for ahava. It is the outpouring of compassion that closes the gap between the perceiver and the perceived or giver and the recipient.

Similarly, in Greek, the language of the New Testament, we have three words that are all interchangeably translated as “love.” First there is phileo. Phileo describes a love, a passion, a friendship, or an affection for someone. We see that Luke and Acts (both likely written by the same author) are addressed to a certain “Theophilus” which of course means “friend of God.” We also see this word in English in forms such as bibliophile (lover of books) or audiophile (a sound geek.)

Eros is the second Greek word for love. This is the root from which we derive the word erotic. Eros describes the physical attraction or desire. It describes how we want to touch each other and sweat together. Eros is also the name of the Greek god of attraction and love. His Roman equivalent was called Cupid.

Finally the Greek language gives us the unparalleled word, agape. This is the unconditional love of which, all other forms of love only partially partake. This word would describe God's perfect love. This is also the word that Paul the Apostle would have used in 1 Corinthians 13 which was quoted above.

So what's the point of all this? Why did I go off on this tangent?

I want to express that all the elements of love are necessary to form a lasting and meaningful bond between two lovers; that raya, and even all the dodh in the world won't be enough, if you don't have that special, ahava; similarly that phileos, and eros will only take you so far, without agape.

We see in both languages that the highest form of love is also the one that is completely selfless. In Song of Songs ahava is described as being “as strong as death.” That's right! As strong as a biological guarantee – ahava is as strong as death. Agape is similarly described as being infallible. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. These two forms of love are so ideal that I believe we may never be able to actually exemplify them in our lives and in our actions. I can only hope to strive to live up to these lofty goals.

There are no conditions attached to God's love for us. I believe God doesn't mind if you're Buddhist, Pagan, Christian, gay, addicted to drugs, or living in habitual and perpetual sin and separation from your source. The Divine attaches no strings to the unending love that pours out from it. God has no stipulations for his love. In Christian theology, God doesn't love us because of what we have done for Him; God loves us in spite of what we have done against Him. 1 Timothy 1:12-17 tells me that it is my shortcomings, not my perfection that qualifies me to be a recipient of God's grace. This is the most true description of love - the love which all others emulate. 

So, in using His perfect love and how I receive it as a model for how I would strive to love others, I have come to the conclusion that I love my girlfriend, simply because she is her. I love so many things about her. I love her hair, her beautiful blue eyes with little orange flecks. I love her compassion for all things and her devotion to her causes, but all of these are separate from why I love her. In this way, I assure that my love can always protect, can always trust, can always hope, and can always persevere.

When I live, loving the idea of a person, or the attributes of a person, I put that love at risk. My love is then conditional. If I love my girlfriend because she plays video games with me, then what will happen when we fall on hard times and we cannot pay the electric bill? If I love my girlfriend because she keeps the house clean then what will happen if she takes ill and becomes bedridden? My love must be bigger than conditions; bigger than attributes. I must strive for my love to reflect the One love from which everything springs. I must keep why I love you, completely separated from the things I love about you.

May you know that you are loved – that nothing you do or say or have done or have thought about doing could ever possibly take away that love. May you know that love of the Source always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. May you draw vitality, and well-being, and security from this love and the love of all those around you extending compassion and loving-kindness to you every day. May you love your neighbor as you love yourself – not because it is law but because it is good. May we come closer every day to closing the gap between the giver and the recipient, and see more with each breath that when we love and give selflessly to one, it is for the benefit of everyone.

-Connor S.